Next on our menu of strategies that can help to get any relationship back on course is studying the relationship. With a mindset of curiosity and self-acceptance, you take some time to reflect on the relationship and see what you can learn about it. This is different from what we usually do when we reactively think about relationships that bother us. Typically that kind of thinking is not productive because it has a circular, ruminative, reactive quality.
So how do you stop ruminating and think about a relationship in a way that will be genuinely productive? I recommend either writing in your journal about it or talking to a trusted confidant about it.
When you write down your thoughts and feelings about someone, rather than just think about them, you will complete the thoughts that are often scattered and interrupted when you’re just ruminating. You’ll set down those thoughts in ink and you will immediately have some distance from them. There they are, on the page, rather than burrowing their way through your stream of consciousness. You probably will find that after writing down everything that you already know about the relationship, you will begin to write down new insights and fresh inspirations. You will begin to notice and give more strength to the part of yourself that is creative and hopeful, the part of yourself that finds the way through and beyond our current struggles.
Speaking to a confidant, whether it is a friend, coach, therapist, minister, or someone else, plays a similar function. The other person bears witness to you and your thoughts and feelings, in an atmosphere of acceptance. As you hear yourself speak you may begin to see things differently, to shed outdated perspectives, and to light upon new strategies to try as you navigate the relationship. This may be true even if, perhaps especially if, your confidant doesn’t offer much in the way of interpretations or suggestions for what you should do.
If you’re new to this kind of reflective process, you might be wondering what kinds of things to write about in your journal or say to your confidant. You’re probably sitting there wishing there were a list of prompts or questions you could use to spur your explorations. Well guess what? Today’s your lucky day.
What previous relationships does this person remind me of?
What is my path to progress in this relationship?
How would I know if this relationship was fully functional?
How do I notice the ways that this relationship is stuck right now?
What good qualities in the other person do I often forget?
What might I be contributing to the dynamic that is keeping the relationship feeling stuck?
What do I want in this relationship? What might the other person want?
What part of myself might this person be speaking for? (For example, an overbearing boss might be speaking for someone’s inner critic.)
What thoughts about myself does this person trigger in me?
What would I say if I really let this person have it?
What have I tried so far to repair this relationship? What were the results? What can I learn from those experiments?
What am I trying to accomplish in this relationship? What might the other person be trying to accomplish?
What helping resources could I bring in that might improve the relationship?
What ideas have I had about new things to try in this relationship? As I consider those, how do I feel?
How can I use the Relationship Course Correction menu to plan my next intervention to improve this relationship?
What are the ugly parts of myself that come up in this relationship? Can I look at them unflinchingly, without judging myself?
These questions may provoke others of your own. Relationships, especially those that are troubling us, are richly textured, complex, and multidimensional. They reward study. Even if your reflections don’t lead to an immediate inspiration that causes you to try something new, what you learn about yourself in this exploration will make you a more mindful, emotionally intelligent person, and that will ultimately enhance all of your relationships.